a love encounter.

[previously written]

Dear friends,
God is so good. I am back from morocco and writing this on the plane, approximately 2 hours from Houston and flying over Lake Erie about to cross back into the homeland. He has stretched me to what I thought was my limit, but He knows what I can handle. Through this stretching, I have seen the hungry and poor, the lost and broken, the battered women and controlling husbands, the child beggars and I have seen the glory of the Lord work in them.
Morocco is hard to describe. Their tea, thick with sugar and mint leaves, forever ingrain my taste buds. Their hospitality, strangers' invitations to their homes within the first 5 minutes of "hello"s, inspire me to be more kind. Their men, with eyes like hawks staring at the Americans who stick out like a million sore thumbs, keep me aware. Their driving, as long as you get to your destination - you're golden. Their food, so rich in flavor but tradition has been overcome with French and American meals. Their weather, like winning the lottery in comparison to Texas. I miss it and I could see myself back there. Back to the tea, hospitality, taxis, food, weather and the lady who sells packs of Tempo tissues on the street of our hotel in Tangier.
I could see myself back. I am only dipping my feet into the water here. It was not easy to jump on the streets of a predominantly Muslim country and tell them that Jesus is the way. He loves them so much. It was hard to leave them when they weren't hungry for truth. It was so much easier discussing culture with them. But I know culture isn't going to save them.


to be continued...

maROCKco.

morocco. wednesday.
waco. tomorrow.


it seems all surreal. i am sure to keep a journal.
we'll see. i feel not all here.

i wanna hold em like they do in texas, please.

hunger is a funny thing.
and i say that because if i don't get food every few hours, i feel hungry.

hunger is a peculiar thing.
i kind of enjoy the rumbling of my stomach.
all i can think about is the food i can shut it up with.
sushi? mashed potatoes? chicken fried steak?
my favorites.

but it feels good to be in control of something.
i am in control of what gets put into my body.
i can choose to eat now, at 2:47 AM.
which is not a good thing for the combination of digestion and sleep.
something about your body slowing down when you sleep,
and how digestion needs your body to be awake.
i don't know - i dropped out of AP Biology.

hunger is an interesting thing.
i'm all about connections. and it binds together. the hunger, i mean.
everyone feels hungry at one point in their life.
whether they're rich or poor, tall or short, fat or skinny.

hunger is a relative thing.
some go hungry not by choice.
some go hungry by choice.
for those not choosing hunger, they lack the funds.
for those choosing hunger, they lack self-esteem.

we all lack something.

it's quite sad that some people choose to not eat.
when there are people that would practically kill for a meal.
even a stick of negatively calorized celery.

i applaud the anorexics and bulimics.
that's called self-control. or desperation.
which of both i do not possess.

if it were up to me, i would not eat and be starving too much.
i've tried before. and it didn't work out.
why?, you ask.
because i couldn't sleep because of the hunger crawling around in my body.

at that point, i had to choose sleep or skinny.
i chose the first. obviously, have you seen me lately?

i wish i grew up in a world where the plumper you were meant you could afford food.
now it's about the health nuts.
if i had the money, i would be skinny.

i feel like people can't look past my fat. i can be a person underneath your judgements.

beauty from ashes.

goodness.

when you get to see deep down into someone's soul. their bare essential soul. what they need to scrape by in life and how they are an absolute whether they want to or not. sometimes, it's ugly. sometimes, it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.

as a human, i want to fine tune that gritty unrefined part of me to where it seems like art to everyone else, but me. i guess art can be a relative term.

weaknesses make the person. i am out looking for those in people. that horrendous embarrassing burden drug behind the stranger. i am on the outlook for those.

i guess you could say i hunt for weakness. in no way am i some kind of prowess of the night, scrounging around for scrapes and bits of everyone's soft spots. i am simply trying to get to know you by seeing your deepest darkest core before i see the fluffy sunny happy outside.

everyone is candy coated with what they think is personality... rainbow flavored means social butterfly. but really, it's about what is in the core. how many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
one might never know.

my job is to know the count of those licks and do that in one fell swoop. just cut to the chase and get to the good part.

i want to know what you makes you tick. what makes you pissed. what brings joy, not happiness. what makes salty h20 spill from the corners of your eyes. what gets you goin'.
where you belong. where you came from.
got any regrets? gotta get that.
paper or plastic?
hm, you're quite a looker.

surrender all. you've got nothing to lose.

not now

i thought it would be a grand day because it was my last class of spanish 2310 ever. i didn't hate that class, i just knew it would be relief to be done with it.

then i discussed some things with my mom.

sometimes, i wonder why things have to be so hard for my family?
we work so hard and have gone through so much.
it's awful to be away from home and see all this trouble back home.

before i opened my browser, firefox gave me this option of upgrading or not. and it had a button for 'not now'.

i want that. more than an easy button.
or how about a 'not never.'? sigh.


sorry i always blog like a emotional junior high girl. actually, i'm not sorry. you don't have to read this.

wait, weight!

one single word meaning so many things.
weight.

i feel fat. i am fat. i look at skinny girls with thighs that don't touch and can cross their legs without any trouble. i think i would kill for that. instead i have thighs that touch. so much, in fact, that they wear holy holes in the area of my pants. embarrassing. and i have to like help my leg to cross the other. because i have humongous calf muscles. because i learned to walk on my tip toes.
sometimes i think that if i only weren't fat, my life would be better.
doesn't this sound like my junior high xanga posts? yeah, it does.

i feel burdened. i am burdened. there are so many things going on around me. and i just sit there and feel so apathetic about big scary things. why? i'm not sure.

remembrance.

so i am supposed to start writing a column. exciting, right? not sure what i should scribble my thoughts out. we're supposed to tackle a big issue. i'm thinking pro-life. and this feminist movement that seems to be trying to prove that these pregnancy centers are bad. that they're trying to sway expecting mothers to keep their children instead of an abortion. that's good for everyone, right? right. we'll see how that goes.

anyhow. today i have just found inspiration through friends from home to keep writing. and just keep it up. keep truckin' along. i guess i need to stop expecting something great is going to happen.

i desire to be remembered. i want someone to notice me. because i'm good at something. and i want this something to be something i'm known for.