i'm gonna stay eighteen forever.

a stream of consciousness entry.

so this is it - the beginning of the end. today was the last full day of school. it was a pretty good day. i didn't really think about the reality of leaving until just now. i cracked upon my year book. and i realized my future is just hanging in the air. completely out there for me to grab or let fall. this is one of the first focal points in my life where i realized nothing's really mapped out for me. it's up to me to 'make my own luck', so to speak. it finally hit me that we're not coming back. it used to be just so surreal. i apologize for my lack of eloquence to express what i feel. but wow, listening to brand new's "soco amaretto lime" is kinda really... getting to me. i'm completely ending one part of my life where i found my real friends, the real meaning of love and family, the real me. everything became so clear in my life for me. and now it's been fuzzy since senior year started. i feel like i've been living out of my own skin and that i haven't been entirely feeling what i've gone through. i feel like i've had callused skin for so long. and it's finally been sawed off and i'm sitting here, letting it all hit me at once. and i thought i was on top of the world cause wow, i'm a senior in high school. compared to the rest of the world, i don't know a thing. i'm just a seed ready to be planted where i should be. and i'm already starting to grow roots where there shouldn't be. i guess you can say i've changed and i've just turned a different direction. i liked who i was and i like who i am right now. but i don't feel like i'm up to my potential as a person. i used to feel so alive, all the time. and since this year started, i haven't felt that feeling of being 'alive'. and now i feel it and i'm not complaining. i'm done. this entry has ended up suprisingly optimistic. maybe not to you, the reader, but to me. i've written out some solutions for myself. thank you, blank space, for housing all my feelings for these brief moments.

we're the coolest kids and we take what we can get.